Father Andrew's Hot Body Gym

May 31, 2009

The Elevator Pitch – Our answer to "What do you do at FAHB Gym anyway?"

Filed under: workouts — Mara @ 2:42 am

In 200 words or less:

We are disciples of CrossFit, an approach to fitness started by Greg Glassman and now practiced worldwide through crossfit.com and local affiliate gyms. CrossFit takes a holistic approach to exercise, believing that a truly fit person is well-rounded: not only should you be able to run a fast 5k or 10k, you should also be able to lift your bodyweight overhead or pull yourself over a wall or pick up something heavy off the ground – all things you might need to do in real life. Borrowing exercises from gymnastics, olympic weightlifting, track and field, and other sports, most workouts resemble circuit training on crack – the vast majority of workouts are finished in less than 30 minutes. Everything is done to maximum personal intensity, and you can track your progress against each other and yourself with quantifiable results. Simply put, this is the fastest way to get in the best shape you can be in, and it is for EVERYONE.

MEN: this is the single best way to carve yourself into the statue of David as quickly as possible, plus you get to do all kinds of manly things with cool names like “snatch,” “power clean,” and “push jerk.”

WOMEN: if you think you just want to “tone,” you do not understand physiology. Look it up. Women need strength and muscle just like men do; in fact, women need it more. The best way to fend off osteoporosis is to build muscle by lifting heavy weights, and no, 10 pounds is not heavy. Afraid you’re going to get “big” and look like a she-man? You’re not, unless you take steroids or have freakish genes. And by the way, strong is the new sexy. Look at Michelle Obama.

GYM RATS: if you already lift weights, CrossFit will have you lifting more, in more efficient ways, with better form, targeting more muscles, with more intensity than you’ve ever imagined, plus you won’t be puking on the side of the track when you have to run a 400-meter sprint.

GYM HATERS: never slog on an elliptical again; get out of the rut; you will never get bored, and you will never wonder what to do.

ZUMBA/SPINNING/BODYATTACK PEOPLE: CrossFit gives you that same group motivation, but you will get in WAY better shape WAY faster; you will still get your cardio (and then some), only the increased intensity will burn way more calories. We will even play some music for you if you’re lucky.

JOCKS: CrossFit will make you better at soccer/football/swimming/running/tennis/whatever, but it will also make you better at EVERYTHING ELSE and help you to avoid injuries.

TRIATHLETES: train for your races in seven hours a week instead of 20; get faster race times AND be able to do 100 pullups and 300 squats; PLUS, experience fewer injuries and less wear on your joints.

NON-ATHLETES: even if you never want to be super fit, CrossFit can be scaled down to any level and it will help you to get and stay healthy, fend off the flab, and give you more energy, all in a few hours a week.

ELITE ATHLETES: the sky is the limit; you will always be able to push yourself harder by lifting more or working faster or resting less, so you can never “outgrow” CrossFit.

YOUNG: even kids can do CrossFit; they have their own website, crossfitkids.com.

MATURE: now is the time to get your body working to its potential; the alternative is to find yourself in 10 or 20 years needing assistance to get off the toilet. Not pretty, so do your squats NOW!

VERY MATURE: you’re never too old. Maybe your goal is to be able to pick up your grandchild or to stand up from a chair without wobbling – CrossFit can get you there and beyond, and it will keep your butt out of a nursing home.

RUSHERS: always too busy to workout? Not anymore. You can do a full CrossFit workout with warmup in 30 minutes. If you only have 10 minutes, do squats for 10 minutes. We can kick your butt in however much (or little) time you have. And then some.

SLACKERS: working out in a group with a coach means you will not be allowed to slack; we have certain punishments for laziness that I won’t go into here. I’ll just say one word: burpees.

MASOCHISTS: you will be able to inflict more pain on yourself through exercise than you ever dreamed, and we’ll even encourage you to do more.

SADISTS: you can watch your fellow CrossFitters inflict pain on themselves and encourage them to reach new levels of self-torture.

NARCISSISTS: though our focus is on what you can DO, CrossFit (including the nutrition aspect) will make you look incredibly, deliciously HOTT.

Couldn’t find yourself on that list? First of all, that means you’re really, really weird. Second, e-mail us with your “type” and we’ll tell you why CrossFit is for you.

For more, check out this article “What Is Fitness” written by the founder of CrossFit.

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